I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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