Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize