i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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