Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize