I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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