If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
