He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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