I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
