I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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