I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Randomize
