she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
