I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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