I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize