it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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