recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
