Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
