my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I need a burrito and a hug.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
