I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
how do you play pong handcuffed?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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