Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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