My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
