My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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