Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
