Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
