I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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