Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
