help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
