im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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