is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
