i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
