My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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