he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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