3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
