speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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