no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
