After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
