I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
