You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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