Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
