I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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