I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
