So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
