if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
