About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize