Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
