Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
