This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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