omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
