Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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