My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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