I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
