I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
