the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
he high fived his dick after we had sex
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
