he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
