I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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