I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
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