Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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